Breanius™

I'm incredibly anxious for Thanksgiving to arrive, not happy anxious, apprehensive. I've had more than a handful of incredibly shitty Thanksgivings, and I expect each passing one to follow suit.

I've spent most of the morning playing Fashion Wars, I seem to be kickin' ass, or at least I think so, mainly to try to keep my mind off of Holiday Apprehension, and it's been working..... slightly.

Dammit, I'm getting tired now, and I know if I fall asleep now, I won't be able to wake up when/if John shows up again. Do I dare pump more caffeine into my blood stream, hoping it'll have the same effect as 3-4 hours ago? Do I take a short nap until he calls/texts? Do I distract myself with more Fashion Wars? All I know is my stomach's starting to hurt in a non-kosher, I've been up way too long kinda fashion, and I know I should sleep at this point, I just know my body, and if I did sleep right now, I'd have serious difficulties waking up and being coherent enough to entertain company.

I'm all over the place today, I truly blame the mass amount of sleep I've incurred lately.

I so need to get motivated though, the house needs cleaned, it isn't a mess, I just know it could look better had some serious elbow grease been applied.

I'm actually beginning to think that this last fight may be harder to come back from than previous fights Mike and I have had, especially because I've expended what I could, emotionally.

I'm also ridding my life of peoples who bring negative energy into my life, people who's own happiness is more important than everyone else's safety, people who are mental leeches who drain me in some form or another, especially since cultivating my family and their safety is important to me.

I've always found it weird how certain songs can cause memories to flood back to you like the banks of the Nile being over swept with rainwater. This morning, I was looking to buy a new ringtone, and decided to peruse the KISS ringtones, my mom, having brought me up to be a KISS fan (by choice), Mike was almost floored to know that I knew the lyrics to each song by heart.

See, KISS is a band that makes me very happy. I remember watching my mom dance to their albums, belting out each word as passionately as Paul does, watching her play air guitar and marveling at her timing and perfect air drumline. Watching her be happy, because I knew that within that moment, she was and is unstoppable. It was something that was few and far between back then, and for those people who think she is a bad person, really haven't gotten to know her, if they did, they'd see that my mom has just let too many years of shitty people and shitty situations get her down, that deep down, she still is the fun-loving and free woman she always has been.

And though my mom and I have our differences, nothing can change her being my mom, or what has happened, I'm still incredibly grateful to be alive, to have been born.

I know this entry sounds rather melancholy, it's nature truly isn't to be so, it's merely reflective, in a very thankful way, to KISS, to my mom, to great music.

For serious. Today has been the 3^rd weirdest day of my entire life.

Cramps suck, especially when you have just one, and it lasts for 6 1/2 hours of your day, especially when migraine caused by influx of hormones happens.

Bah, I'm bitching, tomorrow's entry will be much more chipper.

It looks like computer chair naps will be all the rage today.

My shoulders have quit hurting, now I'm just hoping I didn't end up re-infecting myself with last weeks cold.

And, honestly, what is it about Mike that I can't quit admiring him today? I'm sure it'll wear off at some point during the night, just what's making him seem so awe-inspiring this morning?

I took the password off of Mike's Vista account, to see exactly what he'd been hiding from me the past few months, I found out, it was all the same shit as before.

Due to these findings, I gave him the ultimate ultimatum. It's either all of us, or none of us. I won't let the children be subject to see how he treats me.

He's been given the next 24 hours to decide whether he wants to make us or break us, and this time, it truly is all up to him. I'm done with doing all the legwork for the relationship, it's time for him to take the helm.

I've given him a very rational piece of mind for him to go off of, and I truly hope he decides to make us work.

His aunt commended me, for knowing that this has gone on throughout the two and a half years we've been together, and staying, trying everything at wit's end to make us work. I do love him, I do believe he is a great person, but how much can one person take of the same shit, knowing the other person chooses not to change, that they discard the other persons feelings as though they were an inconvenience?

Though, is it horrible of me to assume that this won't change, that the next 24 hours he'll only be doing what he's done before, bought time until the next fight?

I do have faith in Us, I'm just not sure that he wants Us.

As of this time last year, Szandor Daniel Moreno was born. He weighed in at 7 pounds 13 ounces he measured 21 1/4 inches long. I love you Szandor, Happy Birthday baby!

Alrighty, this is fuckin' it. I'm sick of helping people out who truly don't need it. I'm sick of being there for people who either don't need it, or are just after the attention in the first place.

I hope my fever has broken, or is at least on it's way to seriously decreasing. I hate feeling as though my bodies on fire, and waking up to a fever of 101.6 isn't ever my ideal way of waking up.

I hate being sick, especially since I don't get feverish sick very often, so whenever sickness does happen, I get hit hard. I just hope it doesn't progress into serious puke-y type sickness.

I'll update later, more than likely, right now, I's got lovin' the babies to attend to.

Right now, I'm Totally Fucking Frustrated (hence the title abbreviation), I always ask Mike to do simple shit, and most times he acts like I'm slowly draining his life force from him when I ask him to do shit like bathe the children, help with menial housework, put his clothes in the washload (off the floor so the kids and myself won't trip over them), anything that requires more effort than chatting online, checking his Myspace, texting who the hell knows what, taking a shit, he doesn't do.

I know he said he wasn't ready for this relationship, our family goes with the relationship, especially since I've been the one doing 99% of the legwork for it, if he's not ready for us, where does that leave the kids and I?

Ok, so for the past month and a half, I've been hiding messages within my Myspace bulletins and figured there was no harm in trying it out for Myspace messages...... Man was I wrong! I forgot that when someone goes to reply to the message, it shows the entire message even the HTML input to change the font color to hide the part you want to hide.

So, I sent a message to Brian (Anthony's father), and hid some text within the message I'd sent, about how I really feel..... And I'm very sure he read the part I meant to hide, because the conversation he and I had via Yahoo! messenger had taken a very emotional turn .... So, I'm sitting here feeling so incredibly sick, confused, and torn..... I just wish life were easier when it came to situations like this.

On a very sad note: My cellphone's been disconnected until the 14th (hopefully that's the LATEST it'll be off until), which means I'm incredibly up shit creek without a paddle until.


I'm sitting here with a screwdriver.... Mmm, delicious vodka and orange juice, I need to get back to Guild Wars, but am unsure of doing so.

Ok, so, I woke up very pissed. I'd had the same dream, Mike gets ready for work, leaves, then 10 minutes later, I find him over at Walgreens, tucked behind one of the floor displays, making out with some other chick..... Doesn't the fact that it keeps recurring tell something? Isn't there deeper meaning behind it? I'm so pissed, I don't even want him to touch me, the thought of him touching me at this point makes my skin crawl. At what point is it no longer a dream, and it is actually indicative of his feelings about me?


I need to get ready for the day. I may update later.

No one showed for the party, I'd gotten no sleep, and everyone that was invited seemed to bow out last minute.


They suck. I still had a bit of fun, and I was dressed up, so overall, I think it was a good thing.

I mean, if peoples don't show up, I have just me and whomever else is here to worry about, there's less people to cater to.