Breanius™

I've been neglecting my blog and Twitter lately, for why, I don't know.  

I detest growing close to Mike again, only because I know I shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to keep reattaching my feelings to the same person over and over and over, knowing each time, I'm just going to have them betrayed.

My mom, this past Wednesday, gave the most hypocritical speech I've ever heard. She sat through a 13 year marriage with quite possibly the biggest asshole anyone will ever meet (also named Mike, but this is besides the point). She said Mike and I have to work it out for the kids, that they're getting emotionally abused in the process, I never take out my frustrations, anger, or depression on the kids, I bottle everything up until I know I can't take it, so for her, a woman who after her divorce sat there and further alienated her children emotionally and physically abused her youngest daughters, what makes her think I'm going to take relationship advice from a woman who still treats her children like shit even though she's been divorced for 4-5 years now. Now, I know I had made this post about her, though throughout childhood and even now, I've covered for way too many people and what they do. I bottle up a lot, and I know (from the years of therapy forced onto me) that it isn't good. Throughout her speech, my mom more or less said that it was okay for Mike to have put me through what he has, because my point to her was, "Now, why are there shelters for physically abused women, but nothing in the line of shelters for emotionally and mentally abused women, even though the scars from emotional abuse last long after the wounds from physical abuse are healed?"

I don't want to get close to him again, and have him hurt me, I'm done with being hurt, I'm through with it.

Ok, before reading and thinking I'm just ranting, please, read these posts beforehand:
http://beautifulwastex.blogspot.com/2008/09/just-my-thoughts.html
http://beautifulwastex.blogspot.com/2008/11/yet-again.html


I've posted these here, because he never reads my blog, no matter the sentiment contained within.

Mike, I fuckin' hate you. I hate you with every bone in my body, every fiber of my being, every iota of my spirit and soul. I'm so sick of you hurting me, and acting like it's ok everytime it happens. I'm sick of giving my heart to you when you never wanted it in the first place, I'm sick of being here for you, when you'll never be here for me. I'm sick of crying over you, because knowing you're below my standard, crying over you makes me just as pathetic and lowly as you are. I hate knowing I have fallen in love with you, but trust me, I'm able to stop falling further.

I don't want you to touch me, I don't want you to touch the kids, I don't want you to even so much as breathe the same air that the kids and I breathe, you are such a lowly, parasitic, nasty, scum sucking piece of shit, and the fact that I have created children with you makes my skin crawl.

To think that when we first met, and saw something great in your eyes, to have you turn out like this disgusts me. Just knowing I've allowed this to go on for as long as it has makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I'm sick of your abuse, I'm sick of being treated as a second-class citizen in your world, when you shouldn't even be in mine.

I hate myself for allowing my chance at happiness to disappear, all because I couldn't quit loving you, because I believed we still could have been something great. I'm sick of your excuses, and I'm way too old to put up with dating another little boy who can't take responsibility for himself and the way his actions effect other people, especially when said little boy has a family he uses just to keep up appearances.

I'm done living this charade, I'm done playing your games, quite frankly, you can go fuck yourself.

I hate how you say you love me, when you only love yourself. Had I known while you were in prison that you didn't want the family that you've helped create, I would have erased any viable proof of your existence, Nate and I at that point should have gotten as far away from you as we possibly could and never looked back. I should have never told you about Nate, I should have never fallen in love with you, I should have left it at me being a single mom, raising one of the most gorgeous fatherless boys ever created.

I truly hate myself, for everything I've ever done for you, for working so hard on this relationship when you repeatedly show you didn't and still don't want it.

The past few days, well, the past week, I've been flat out exhausted, Mike's staying up all night just because he worked close is driving me nuts. I've reached the point that I'm so sleep deprived, my emotions are all over the place, much like when I'm pregnant, but not. If I knew he'd be able to stay up all night on the computer and be able to manage the kids, because they've decided to adapt to his sleep schedule (not fair on them at all) just to spend time with Daddy, it wouldn't be so bad.

Some jackass stole our laptop battery, seriously. Mike noticed that the system tray display for the battery charging wasn't reading anything, and he notified me of it. My biggest question being, what moron steals just the battery? Why not the entire laptop!? Whoever stole it must be the stupidest thief alive, other than that jackass who robbed a bank, yet dropped his wallet, and was apprehended at his house a mere 20 minutes later (can't remember names, or which paper I read it from), seriously.

I'm still hoping that Mike changing for the betterment of the family wasn't and isn't just lip service, I can't handle anymore than what he's given me, and I can't deal with going through heartache again, especially from the same person, especially the N^th time around.