Monday, September 15, 2008

Ok, so as some of you know, I had yet again caught Mike chatting sexually with another woman, these are my thoughts on this matter:

For once, I'd like both parties to consider my feelings, even after they were caught, and as usual, even after they've been caught, he's continued chatting with [her], (which can be seen by visiting his [friends list]) which completely shows disrespect for my feelings and position in this relationship. After I had asked him why he does continue chatting with the women he's been caught with after the fact, he said, "I don't know." What kind of fucking answer is, "I don't know?"??? Either he has respect for my feelings or he doesn't, and it's very clear exactly where he stands with this.

Now, one of the texts she had sent me, because this time, I had the balls to message her on my own Yahoo! ID, she had said, and I quote (via copy and paste sent via Yahoo! IM, dated September 17th, 2008), "misty2999: Sleeping together?!? He said I was had some innocent friendly flirting but I wouldnt fuck peeps I met online," now, I would definitely call talking about wishing she could have been watching Mike get off not "innocent friendly flirting," I mean, wouldn't you? Now..... What does it say for her when she does continue chatting with him, even after I had confronted her? Does she want to give off the homewrecker vibe? Does she like knowing that whatever trust had been built up for Mike with me has been completely shattered (because, honestly, I was working on it, even though I'm always suspicious of him and his interaction with females, because more often than not, it is purely sexual)? Does she like knowing she's helped him interrupt our family yet again? Or is she proud that she's yet another woman who's helped him distract himself from what could be an excellent relationship, if he chose to focus on it more?

Then, while I was sitting right next to him when he was on the computer last night, she had the audacity to ask if I was a stalker. No, I'm not a stalker, just someone who knows how they want to be treated, and obviously, I'm not being treated like I should, especially carrying the title of "girlfriend." I have caught him more times than I care to count, and yet, it still goes on, still, my feelings mean nothing, and obviously, I do have to fight for any attention from him.

To make matters even worse, when I had confronted her, she had said, and again, I quote (via copy and paste via Yahoo! IM), " misty2999: I wasnt even aware he had a lady...," now, for Mike always telling me he is proud of me, wouldn't he be a tad more enthusiastic about mentioning that I'm in his life? I mean, he says he loves me, yet most times, if not always I get treated like I'm just the trash he throws away. Like I've said, and as many of you have sympathized, I don't expect the entire conversation to revolve around me, I'd just like to know that somewhere I'm special enough to be mentioned, that I mean something to him.

More so in this relationship than any other, I've began questioning my womanhood, how feminine I am, if I am in anyway pleasing, and each time it comes back to that I'm not, or that he finds other women more attractive than I am. I hate questioning my femininity, I was given a vagina for a reason.

I'm getting sick of being the only doing any legwork for our relationship, I grow tired of practically begging for his attention, when he'd rather give it to lower women. He may support the family, but the emotional and mental contributions from him for this relationship are slim and nil. I get tired of crying over him, and because of him, because I've cried too much in my life, I want happiness, and it seems with him, I may never get it. And no Mike, knowing that you're reading this, I'm not just talking about marriage, I'm talking about mutual respect, something I never actually get from you, I get your half-assed version of whatever you call it, because Mike, I do love you with all of my heart, I just get sick of being hurt by this all the time, I hate how you don't own up to what you've done or how you've hurt me, you just continue along your merry way, like my hurt was just a speed bump along your path. That whatever remediation by you is made, it's only temporary until the next chick comes along to take you out of this which you're so obviously uncomfortable being in, that there never really is a sincere effort to it, and when it is done, it's only because I've sat and bitched about it for days on end.

I so need to wrap this up. I need a cigarette.

Leave comments, suggestions, whatever, cause I'm done rackin' my brain on how to keep someone's attention who doesn't want me.

posted by Brea at 8:35 PM |